


Blissful Silence

by nidysgwid



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Addiction, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Depression, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Every other angsty fic ever, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Gore, Heavy Angst, Hospitals, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Lee Minho | Lee Know-centric, No Smut, Sad Lee Minho | Lee Know, Self-Harm, Smoking, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:08:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27775087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nidysgwid/pseuds/nidysgwid
Summary: Minho has depression and feels that he needs a reason to justify how he feels. When he can't he turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms to deal with how he’s feeling. READ THE TAGS PLEASE.
Comments: 26
Kudos: 82





	1. The beginning of the downfall

**Author's Note:**

> It’s bad. I just wanted to. This is very heavy. You have been warned. I’m planning on writing more for this, but it’s not going to be insanly long. I’m pretty sure I’m terribe at writing. I did proof read this but there are most likley still some mistakes. Please feel free to correct me but please be nice.
> 
> Also you do not need a reason to justify how you feel. You are allowed to feel sad for no reason everyone does at some point. Please don’t turn to self harm, smoking or alcahol etc when you feel down or depressed. It’s not healthy. Try talking to someone instead. You deserve help. There is hope. I promise.
> 
> The italic is Minho’s subconscious/voice in his head.

It was either the blade or a smoke. That’s how empty Minho was feeling. Every day he has to put on a mask for his friends for the cameras for everyone, keep faking happiness even sometimes convincing himself that he was in fact happy. But he wasn’t and he knew that deep down. No matter how much sleep he got whether it be a little or a lot he felt the same amount of exhaustion of emptiness. He felt like he’d been sedated. Like he’d been drained of life, and there was no way to make it easier. No way to feel light again. 

_Pathetic. You’re pathetic. You shouldn’t feel sad. You grew up with money, parents, you’ve never gone hungry ever, You have people who love you and you got the job of your dreams. You don’t have a right to feel sad. You’re just lazy that’s why you’re tired because you're an idiot. Such a fucking freak._

Minho sat on the floor of the room he shared with Chan with his back against his bed staring at the wall. Everyone else was watching a film. He had already made an excuse. “No thanks sorry I’m tired, I’m going to head to bed”. _Liar. All you really want to do is slice the blade across your arm and get high. Attention seeker._

Minho had been lying to them all for months saying he’d been going to therapy for his weed addiction ever since they all found out. But he hadn’t he never even booked an appointment. Everyone trusted him. No one even thought to question if he’d been going. They would just ask how it was going. He lied every time. _They don’t as_ k _because they don’t care._

Minho started smoking in high school because… well Minho actually wasn’t sure. He was already laid back as is. He wasn’t naughty, he never got into fights at school but he wasn’t the best at doing work. He could never concentrate. He would start doodling or dancing every time he tried to sit down and do work. It’s not like he had ADHD or anything so he didn’t have a reason not to do work. _You’re just lazy._ Minho still remembers all the things his parents told him when he wouldn’t do work and instead would “mope around” as his parents called it. 

“You’re so lazy Minho”.

“Stop acting like a moody teen”.

“Seriously what’s the problem, just get on with it”.

“Brat”, “Pathetic”, “Get a grip”.

“I just don’t know where I went wrong with you”.

“It’s like you don’t even care”

He would get so angry at the comments they made. On top of this he hated his Mother they would get into arguments all the time, and no one was ever on his side. Never. So to stop him from getting angry he would smoke.

In school Minho was friends with a group of boys, they weren't super popular but everyone left them alone for the most part. He never really fit in with them and he didn’t really enjoy being around them. It seemed that everyone was so friendly with each other but not Minho he felt left out. And he was. It hurt him when he would find out they all met up with each other without inviting him, but he never said anything. He felt so alone. _You deserved it you dick._ Minho started to do things to make them feel bad for him for attention. He was so scared they would leave him. Leave him all alone. That’s when the cutting began.

Since high school, he became a dancer. Got accepted into JYP and found people he loved who loved him back equally. Stray Kids. His life was amazing and he was happy. Completely happy. But all good things must come to an end and so about a year ago he started to wonder why he had started feeling terrible. Why he felt empty. He didn’t know. Nothing happened to make him feel this way he just did. He looked for a way to justify his feelings and when he couldn’t the voice in his head came to haunt him. 

So now Minho is sat listening to the voice telling him he’s worthless. Telling him it’s karma. Telling him that he shouldn’t tell anyone because he’ll just upset them. Because he’s a burden to them. 

He stands up, locks the door and grabs the mint tin that's taped to the underneath of his bed and opens it to find some cigarettes and a blade. He looks for an empty space and slices the inside of his arm five times, watching as blood rushes to the surface before wiping the blood away with a tissue and pulling his sleeve back down. Then he grabs a lighter, lights a cigarette and leans out his window to feel the air from the cold winter's night engulf him. The rush, the thrill of maybe being caught made Minho’s heart beat faster. He takes a deep puff and coughs a little. It had been a while since he’d smoked last, maybe a month. A small smile forms on his face as he slowly feels his sadness drift away and his heart slow. 

After about ten minutes of watching the smoke float out of the window, Minho finally reaches the high. The euphoric feeling overtaking his body. He feels so free. So relaxed he wishes he could carry on forever but he knows that too much will make him anxious and jumpy so he flicked the blunt out of the window and watched it fall to the ground. 

There was a loud bang outside. Coming from the living room. Minho almost shat himself. “Fuck!” Minho shouted as he jumped up off the windowsill and walked towards the door. _Such a pussy_. After putting his ear to the door he decided that he should go and check what the bang was. He unlocked the door and as he walked down the corridor he heard worried murmuring and muffled crying getting louder. He turned the corner to see Felix lying on the floor with his eyes rolled back unconscious. Minho didn’t know what to do. He just stood staring as Jisung tried to comfort everyone and move them out of the way, as Changbin sat by Felix stroking the boy's face and as Chan stood above the boy on the phone presumably to the emergency services. Minho couldn’t move. He didn’t feel anything. Felix was staring at him with cold almost dead eyes unconscious on the floor. Felix was supposed to be his brother and he felt nothing. No concern. No sadness. No anger. Certainly no happiness. He was empty. 

_Jesus you selfish prick you don’t even care that one of your best friends is dying. How fucking selfish can you be. Come on, do something to help him. Help you idiot don’t just stand there!_ Right yeah, help. Minho rushed over to Felix and looked up at Changbin who was on the verge of tears. He tried to say something. He wanted to say something but he didn’t know what to say. Before he knew it Felix was on a stretcher being carried out the door Changbin and Chan close behind.

Now he was left high and out of his mind and the oldest to look after everyone. He wasn’t sure what to do, he could hear crying from behind him but he just stood staring at the door Felix was just carried out through. You're _supposed to comfort them, idiot._ Right, comfort them. He turned around and saw a semi composed Jisung and Hyunjin hugging Seungmin and Jeongin who were sobbing. Jisung just stared at Minho confused as to why he was just standing there emotionless doing nothing. Minho decided that he had to say something.

“Wh- what happened to Felix?” He asked, his voice still hoarse and raspy from the blunt. 

Jisung just stared at him looking confused until his expression morphed into anger. “What do you mean?” Jisung half-heartedly shouted at him. “You saw he collapsed”

Minho visibly flinched. “I- uh, yeah ok but why?”

Jisung seemed to get angrier by his friend's nonchalant attitude. “Seriously Lino? You know he hasn’t been eating enough.” 

“He hasn’t?... I- I didn’t know.”

“Of course you didn't, you were too busy getting high in your room!” Jisung was angry. He was very angry. “Do you even care!?”

Hyunjin who observed the whole thing pointed at Minho and then gestured for him to go down the corridor, before turning to Jisung to calm him down.

When Minho got to his room he locked the door, leaned his back against the door and slowly slid down until he was sat on the cold floor with his arms wrapped around his legs. 

_Look at yourself. Pull yourself together pussy. You know Jisung was right. Too busy wallowing in self-pity to realise that you're not the only one with problems. You're so selfish! It’s your fault…_

Minho needed silence, the voice in his head was deafening. So he practically crawled towards his bed to where the tin was still lying on the floor he picked up the blade. He’d never cut himself whilst high and he told himself that he never would just in case something went wrong. He scooted back to his position against the door and contemplated what he was about to do. After a few minutes of sitting and staring at the blade. He almost put it back but then the voice became louder.

_Do it!_

_You deserve it._

_You should make it deep._

_C’mon you pussy!_

_Jisung was right. About everything._

_You're selfish._

_Pathetic. Get a grip!_

The voice wouldn’t stop, it just got louder and louder. Minho couldn’t take it anymore so he pressed the blade into his skin clumsy deeper than he ever has before. Once, twice… _You deserve this, keep going._ Three times, four. Everyone was deeper than the last. Five, six, seven. He’d run out of space, the voice had finally stopped. Silence. His arm was throbbing, but he liked it. _Jesus, you’re such a freak._ Minho watched as pools of blood formed. A lot of blood. Too much blood. It started dripping off his arms onto the floor. “Shit” Minho muttered under his breath. He quickly stood up to clean up the blood but his body failed him and he collapsed into a heap on the floor in a pool of his own blood. He started to feel a little dizzy. He crawled over to his bed and lifted himself into it before drifting to sleep in blissful silence.


	2. Soaring Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapters a bit slower than the first, but there’s some fluff. I haven’t proof read this chapter yet. I will later probably... maybe.

Minho woke up to banging at his bedroom door. His head was throbbing painfully as he opened his eyes to the blinding daylight coming through the window he forgot to close. He tried to sit up but he hadn’t realised he was right at the edge of his bed and fell off with a thud onto the ground. He groaned groggily as he stood up whilst rubbing his eyes. His eyes had finally adjusted to the light and he stood peacefully looking out the window at the blue sky. It was a cold and crisp day. Minho’s favourite kind of weather even though he knew that meant rain was on its way. It was weirdly calm in contrast to last night. Minho didn’t like it. It made him feel like something bad was going to happen.

**_Knock knock knock_ **“Lee Minho you better open this door right now” Jisung yelled from behind the door.

“Coming” Minho yelled back. As he walked towards the door he saw the pool of blood on the floor. “Fuck” he said under his breath. “Uhhh… can you just give me one minute please” 

“Jesus come on, we've been waiting to go see Felix for three hours already. I was starting to think you’d died in there”

_It would be better if you were dead._

“Sorry, I‘m just getting changed.” _Another lie. You’re cleaning your blood off the floor._

As soon as Minho had changed out of his blood-covered hoodie and joggers, taped his tin back to the underneath of his bed and cleaned the blood off the floor he rushed to unlock the door to see a disappointed Jisung looking up at him. 

“Sorry” Minho said sheepishly whilst rubbing the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you. It’s not your fault.”

_He’s lying. You should’ve known. He just feels bad for you._

“Lino?” Jisung asked looking at his friend who looked lost in thought.

“Mhm… oh umm that’s ok. I should’ve known. You were right” 

“No, I wasn’t. Now come on, help me pack a bag for Chan, Hyunjin’s already packed one for Binnie”

Minho nodded and headed back into his room to help Jisung.

“It’s fucking freezing in here, how long have you had the window open.” Jisung asked whilst shivering. 

“Uh well, I sort of forgot to close it before I went to sleep.”

“I can’t believe you slept through me banging the door like a trillion times and sub-zero temperatures.”

“Yeah, you know me I’m just a heavy sleeper.” Minho said whilst laughing nervously.

This anxious behaviour was unusual for the usually sassy and confident Minho. Jisung almost asked whether he was still high but he decided not to bring it up yet and assumed it was because of last night's events. 

After stuffing a few items of hopefully clean clothing and Chan's sacred laptop into a backpack. The remaining five boys piled into a company van and drove off to the hospital in a tense silence. On the way, Minho started to feel nauseous. He felt like he would throw up at any second. Then his head started to spin and his vision blurred. _You’re fine, stop faking. Get over it._

Minho and Jisung who were sitting at the back of the van were the last two to get out. Everyone else had already run for the hospital doors by the time Minho had stumbled out of the car. As Minho walked behind Jisung who was carrying all the bags by himself, he tripped… more like crumpled over onto the ground on his hands and knees. He slowly tried to pick himself back up but his head was pounding. _Fucking pathetic. Get up._ Jisung dropped the bags he was holding and ran back to help his friend. He grabbed Minho’s arm in an attempt to help him up and Minho winced and let out a pained gasp. Jisung immediately let go.

“Shit. Sorry” Jisung said, panicked.

Minho managed to plop himself onto his but and was now sat cross-legged on the pavement outside the hospital. Jisung reached out his hand to help Minho up and he gladly accepted it. Now back on his feet, he could see Jisungs worried gaze practically asking why he winced.

“It’s nothing I swear. I hit it on the door yesterday…” Minho said in reply to Jisung's glances.

“I don’t believe you. When?”

“When I was high… I think” _Liar. Why don’t you tell him what actually happened?_

“You think?”

“Yeah. I can’t remember exactly ok” Minho’s patience was wearing thin. Why wouldn’t he just drop it? 

“Fine… Well, can I see it?”

“Why, there’s nothing to see but a bruise… Just drop it”

“Either show me or I’m telling Chan”

Minho’s heart started racing. Surely he wouldn’t. Minho was speechless. He didn’t know what to do. He opened his mouth but nothing came out. There was silence. It seemed like the whole world had stopped to listen to their conversation. 

“I uh- I… You wouldn’t… Please”

Jisungs' expression softened a little. He walked over to Minho and much to Minho’s surprise he was engulfed in a hug. He liked it… He thinks, but he still feels nothing. God he just wanted to feel something other than anger, and anxiety. He thought to himself even death would feel better than this. _Go on you should do it. Just pop a few pills and it will be over._ Minho shook his head and shivered at what he was thinking about. Was he actually thinking about… No, he wouldn’t. That would be selfish. His frie- his brothers would be devastated. _Phh no they wouldn’t idiot. They'd be better without you. You’re a burden to them._

Minho felt like screaming. Like telling the voice in his head to shut up as if that would do anything. But he didn’t. He never did. 

Jisung slowly unwrapped his arms from around Minho. Minho felt Jisungs warmth leave and the cold winter air engulfed him once again. 

“I just want you to be happy Lino.” Jisung said in a sad tone.

“I am. Promise” _That’s funny… Liar._

Jisung just nodded sadly at Minho pretending to believe him. Pretending to be satisfied with his answer but he wasn’t. With that, they picked up their bags and walked side by side into the hospital.

After talking to the front desk and walking a few minutes through the hospital they arrived at Felix's room. Room 42. He was anxious to see the current state of his friend. Jisung took a breath in and opened the door to reveal his friend sat up in bed smiling surrounded by the rest of Stray Kids. Jisung exhaled dramatically. “Thank god,” Jisung said before dropping the bags in the doorway and hurrying over to Felix’s side. Minho picked up the bags and waddled over to sit in the only empty chair next to Chan. They all watched as the sunshine twins reunited. 

  
  


About two hours later Minho started feeling dizzy again and started rubbing his head and shifting in his chair he was in visible discomfort despite trying to conceal it. Chan noticed his friends discomfort and not wanting to make a scene in front of everyone grabbed Minho by the arm and dragged the boy out of the room, without realising Minho was gritting his teeth.

Once the door to room 42 had closed behind them, Chan inspected his friend. 

“Hey, what the fuck?” Minho asked ripping his arm out of Chan’s grip. 

“Language” was all Chan said whilst he continued to inspect his friend.

“Care to explain why you just dragged me out of the room into the middle of the hospital corridor?... And why are you staring at me? Stop it.” 

“Are you ok?” Chan asked wearing a concerned expression.

Minho was slightly taken aback by the question. “Umm yes, I’m fine why?”

“You looked uncomfortable”

“I’ve got a headache is all”

“And is that because you smoked last night?”

“I- umm no…” He answered his voice raising an octave. It was obvious that he had lied. Minho sighed. “Yes”

“I’m not mad. You walked in on Felix half-dead on the floor, I can’t really blame you”

_You smoked before you saw Felix unconscious on the floor. You promised Chan you wouldn’t lie to him. Are you going to burden him by telling him the truth, or lie and betray him? You might as well carry on lying you’re already a liar. What’s one more? Can you count how many times you’ve lied Minho?_

“Earth to Minho, you still here?”

“Uh yeah… I’m sorry for smoking. I promise I won’t do it again.” _That was a lie._

“There’s no need to apologise… How’s therapy been going?”

“Uh pretty good I think I’ll be able to stop soon” _Another lie._

“I’m glad… now let’s head back in visiting hours will be over soon then only two of us will be allowed to stay”

“I can stay if you want?” Minho asked wanting to be helpful.

“Sure if Binnie wants to go home you can stay tonight”

“Ok I'll ask him later” Minho responded whilst reaching for the door handle but before he opened the door he looked at Chan and smiled. “Thank you.” He said. Chan responded with a small nod and Minho went back to where he was previously sat.


	3. Bubbling Tension

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just warning you, this chapter is heavy and dark. I’ll try and get the next chapter out by the end of the week.

_Minho was sat holding Felix's lifeless body in his arms. His hands were covered in blood. Felix’s blood. It was his fault. He killed Felix. Minho saw a light. Like a reflection come from his room down the hall. He placed Felix down on the floor gently and walked towards his room. In it was his dead body lying in a pool of blood and a blade in his hand. What was even more horrifying was his friend's faces. They were all staring down at his dead body. Smiling. They were happy. Now that he was dead. They all turned to face Minho and their faces became serious._

_“Liar” Chan said looking upset._

_Chan took a step towards. And another. Chan raised a gun to Minho’s head._

_“Don’t make me have to do it for you next time”_

**_BANG._ **

Minho shot up panting he could feel the sweat dripping down his back. It felt so real, but it was only a dream. His head was spinning he felt really ill. The room was dark apart from a dim light in the corner that no one knew how to turn off. He lied back down onto the cold hospital floor pulling the small blanket that had slipped down to his waist back up to his chest. He looked around the plain whitewashed room see Chan asleep (a rare sight) over three chairs that he had pushed together on the opposite side of the room. He couldn’t see Felix but he assumed from the silence that he was also still asleep.

He felt a twinge in his arm so he lifted his sleeve to reveal the five deep cuts in his arm. He really did cut too deep. One looked a little swollen. _You’re fine. Get over it._

He picked up his phone to check the time. _4:00 am._ He didn’t want to go back to sleep despite still feeling tired. Nothing new. So he grabbed his phone, held it above his head and started scrolling. After a few minutes, his eyes started to tire and he started to drift to sleep. But before he could he felt a twinge of pain? On his nose followed by a small crash by his head. “Ow,” he said lazily. He dropped his phone on his face. After a few moments of rubbing his nose and blindly feeling around for his phone above his head, he heard a groan coming from Felix.

“Felix, you awake?” Minho shout whispered.

“Mmhm” Felix murmured.

Minho stood up and carefully dragged a chair over to Felix’s bed. “Whoops sorry… I dropped my phone on my face”

Felix scoffed and giggled a little. There was a small pause before Minho decided to ask the question that had been on his mind since the incident.

“Hey, Lixie, why didn’t you tell me that you… y’know… weren’t ok.” 

“I am ok I just have anorexia… and I didn’t tell you or anyone because well… I guess I’m not really sure. It’s like I wanted to because I didn’t… I don’t want to die but I couldn’t because then I'd be a burden. Because then I would be weak”

Minho looked sadly into Felix’s eyes. “You’re not weak and you could never be a burden you got that? Stray Kids wouldn’t be complete without you, without any one of us in fact.” _You were the first to be eliminated you should’ve stayed eliminated Stray Kids would’ve been better without you. You’re the problem, not Felix._

“I know that now, thank you Lino”

Both boys were at the verge of tears. The most natural thing Minho felt to do was to lean over and give Felix a hug. So he did, just like Jisung had done for him. Felix’s eyes started to water more but not because he was sad. He was so relieved that everything was out in the open. He was pretty sure everyone knew to an extent about his anorexia just not how bad. But now everyone knew everything. It felt like a weight had been lifted. He felt light again.

After a minute the hug started to feel awkward so Minho moved back to sit in his chair. 

“Promise me that you’ll tell me when you need help Lix, it doesn’t make you weak. Not in my eyes anyway. To me it makes you strong” _you don’t even believe what you're saying. You're lying. Liar._

“I’ll promise if you promise to believe your own words”

“Wh- what? I do. Why would I say them otherwise?”

“I’m not sure but I think your sad Minho, and I think you don’t want anyone to know about it”

Minho sat there staring holes into Felix. He felt anger rising making his stomach sink his heart race. Who was Felix to assume how he felt? He was fine because he’s convinced he deserves it. 

“Why do you think you can assume that about me!” Minho half-heartedly yelled his voice rising, his heart getting more and more erratic.

Chan started to groan and sat up. Felix didn’t notice.

“Because I spend the majority of my time with you. I literally fucking live with you!”

“That doesn’t mean you get to assume what goes on in my head!” Minho continued ignoring Chan's worried glances.

“Ok fine… then why don’t you tell me?”

Minho froze. He was speechless. Felix had put him in such an uncomfortable and inescapable situation.

“Nothing goes on in my head. My heads fine! Stop assuming.”

“You’re lying again.”

Minho couldn’t take it anymore. He felt like he was going to explode. Like he was going to burst at the seams. He grabbed his hoodie, wallet and phone. He needed to leave,

“Just leave me alone you prick” Minho yelled walking out the door.

The door shut behind him and he started walking towards their flat. _Fuck fuck fuck. What did you do? You fucked everything up. Per usual. You should be punished for how selfish you’ve been. Asshole. Fuck up. You just hurt everyone who loves you._

Minho continued to walk down the road in the cold, dark morning. His thoughts swirling. His head spinning. The voice was so loud. He needs it to stop. He felt sick.

After half an hour he reached his block of flats. He hadn’t thought this through. Chan was there he would’ve texted the others to let them know what had happened by now. He couldn’t face them, but there was something he desperately needed in there and he was freezing. _Weed and the blade isn’t the only thing that shuts me up._ Right alcohol.

He turned back around to walk towards the nearest shop he could think of that was open for 24 hours. He walked mindlessly listening to the voice screaming at him. _You’re worthless._ It started to rain lightly, but it didn't stay light for long. The rain started hammering down on his head. He was completely drenched. Water was dripping from his hair into his eyes. He ran his fingers through his hair to get it out of the way but it was pushed back down immediately by the heavy rain. 

He reached the store which was empty besides the cashier. He couldn’t care less about what this man thought of him at the moment. He bought a bottle of vodka and left back into the now even heavier rain. His phone would surely be broken by now but all Minho cared about was shutting up the voice in his head that wouldn’t stop reminding him he was guilty. _You deserve to die._

He decided he would go back to their apartment since he couldn’t bare being so cold, but he couldn’t wait any longer to silence the voice in his head. So he drank. The bitter taste sent shivers down his spine. He hated the taste but he hated the voice in his head more. Every mouthful made his head spin even more violently it was hard to think straight. _Idiot._

He’d been out in the pouring rain for what felt like hours. The sun had started to rise and people were heading to work. He finally reached his apartment. He walked slowly up the stairs, the now half-empty vodka bottle still in his hand. He went knock only now realising he left his keys at the hospital, but he didn’t knock. _You shouldn’t burden them. You don’t deserve the attention not after what you did to Felix._

Why wasn’t the alcohol working? This was supposed to make it quieter but it was having the opposite effect. 

“Shut up, shut up! Just fuck off!” He yelled dropping the bottle of vodka that was in his hand. 

The bottle smashed making a loud crash. Minho fell down onto his knees. He picked up a piece of glass and held it to his wrists. _Do it! Pussy!_

Was this really the only way to silence the voice, to stop the pain, to feel happy again. He squeezed the glass lightly into his hand to see if it would quiet the voice, but it did nothing. Nothing worked anymore. Nothing could fill the void. What was the point? He dropped the glass to his side and released it onto the ground. _Well, what are you going to do? Make up your mind already!_

Before Minho could decide what to do, the door to his apartment, that he was kneeling in front of opened. The artificial light blinded him. All he could see was a silhouette until he couldn’t see at all and everything went dark.


	4. Warmth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry this took so long. I’ve been kinda busy with school, and I was having trouble with where i wanted to go with the story. I’m going to do a fifth chapter (maybe). I was going to make it really tragic (not sure if I will yet). So if you don’t want a tragic ending then I would suggest just not reading the fifth chapter if I write it. 
> 
> Anyway hope everyone is doing ok. I really appriciate the comments left. Have a nice day☺️

Jisung was the only one up. He couldn’t sleep so he decided to watch TV in the living room. He had received a text from Chan at 5:00 am _“Minho and Felix had an argument and Minho left the hospital, he hasn’t come back yet and it’s been an hour. Text me if he shows up, I’m worried”._ The fact that Chan was worried was enough to scare Jisung.

It was starting to get light outside. So Jisung got up to wake the others. He went to wake up Changbin first. He stomped into the room and gently poked his face. 

“Morning Binnie”

“Mhm morning” Changbin groaned and lazily sat up in bed.

As Jisung showed Changbin the text he’d received from Chan they heard a loud crashing noise from outside. 

They both looked at each other with confusion and concern.

“Should we go look? What if it’s Minho?”Jisung asked as Changbin got out of bed.

“Yeah I’ll go look now, I’m sure it’s nothing” Changbin replied confidently whilst walking to open the door. 

He unlocked the door to see Minho on his knees, hair dripping, and soaked to the bone. He wasn’t on his knees for long as he fell forward onto his stomach. Bashing his chin on the floor.

Jisungs eyes widened as he ran toward his friend and turned him on his back. Changbin grabbed Minho’s arms and dragged him inside, closing the door behind him. Jisung put his finger on Minho’s wrist and was relieved when he still felt a strong pulse. He was fine, just cold and drunk. Really drunk.

“He’s fine, his pulse is strong, we should warm him up though, he’s freezing,” Jisung said, tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

Changbin nodded sadly in return. 

Minho was becoming more conscious. Jisung was relieved when he heard his friend groan. That meant he was alive at least. He didn’t look alive though. 

Changbin and Jisung managed to drag and lift Minho’s limp body onto the sofa. They tried their best to dry him off a little with a towel. Then they placed a duvet over him tucking the sides underneath him. He looked like a burrito.

Jisung had already texted Chan to let him know Minho was ok. Chan had informed him that Felix was allowed to come back home after lunch, only if he ate lunch though. He was so relieved Felix was ok. But now he had Minho to worry about. Jisung was worried Minho would do what he always does when there’s something wrong…try to ignore it.

————————

Minho slowly tried to open his eyes… but the light was too bright. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. It seemed that someone had noticed his struggle because the next time he opened his eyes it was darker. He could see Jisung stood by the window that was now blocked by curtains and he felt a weight on his feet, which was Jeongin who was concentrated on the TV. 

“Rise and shine” Seungmin said hanging over Minho’s head.

“Mhm, what time is it?” Minho asked

“About 5 o’clock at night”

Minho’s face contorted to a puzzled expression. Minho couldn’t remember what had happened until he smelt the alcohol. _Fuck…_

“Hey, could you get me something to drink please?” Minho asked Seungmin

“I think you’ve had enough to drink already”

“Haha funny… I mean water”

As Seungmin left his vision he saw Felix and Chan walk over. Minho quickly sat up, pulling his feet out from under Jeongin. His head was spinning from the motion. 

“Hey Minho, how are you feeling” Felix asked as Chan went to sit next to Jeongin

“I'm fine.. are you?... I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to yell. I didn’t mean to make you upset, I’m so so-“

Minho was cut off by Felix jumping towards him and wrapping his arms around him.

“Don’t apologise. It’s fine. I love you Minho… so much. I don’t know what I would do without you” Felix said softly in Minho’s ear.

“I- I’m not a good person. I don’t deserve someone like you”

“Stop it, only I get to say who deserves me… and I say you do. So you do.”

Minho started to cry quietly into Felix’s neck. Felix moved to his side so he could rest his head against Minho’s shoulder and hold his hand. As Minho’s cries became louder Jeongin realised and moved from Chan to the other side of Minho to hug him from the side. The longer they stayed in that position the more relaxed Minho became but the louder his crying became. It felt so good to just cry. He felt so relieved. He could finally let everything out. He didn’t care what the others would think of him anymore. His brain was finally silent.

“It’s ok to let it out… you can talk to us if you want?” Felix said whilst caressing Minho’s hands.

Minho tried to talk but he was crying too hard. He focused on his breathing for a few seconds and calmed down enough to talk. But his tears were still flowing.

“It hurts so bad all the time. The voice in my head won’t shut up. Nothing works anymore. I want it to stop” Minho cried out in between choked sobs. 

At this point everyone was in the room, sitting on the floor or near Minho on the sofa. Everyone was crying at this point and Felix and Jeongin were squeezing Minho tighter by the second.

“What do you mean nothing works anymore Min?” Felix choked out.

“I’ve tried everything to get the voice to shut up. To stop reminding me how selfish I am. How worthless I am. I tried smoking, I tried drinking, I tried starving myself, I tri- I have-...” Minho paused for a second then continued. “But it won’t shut up. I need everything to feel ok.”

“You’re not worthless or selfish” Jeongin spoke up

Chan stood up and kneeled down in front of Minho grabbing his hands.

“I’m so sorry that you’ve been feeling so bad. You’re not worthless. You’re not selfish. I love you. We all love you. I’m so glad that you’ve told us. I know you won’t want to but maybe you should take a break and maybe have more therapy sessions” Chan said with tears in his eyes.

Minho rubbed the back of his neck. How could he tell them he’d been lying to them for months. He hadn’t been attending therapy. He never even booked any appointments.

“I am worthless. And I'm a liar. I’ve been lying to you all for months… I- I never went to any therapy sessions. I’m sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, but why did you stop”

“I guess I feel like I deserved it. Deserved to hurt… because I’m a bad person.”

At this point, everyone was almost crying or were crying. Jisung walked over to Minho and Jeongin moved out of the way to let Jisung sit next to Minho. Jisung immediately wrapped his arms around Minho and dug his head into his neck. 

“You aren’t a bad person and I know you won’t believe that… so I’m going to tell you all the time until it’s so annoying that you’ll have to believe it,” Jisung said whilst gently stroking over Minho's arm. He knew. “You know I love you right?”

“Yea I know, I love you too”.

Minho felt loved. Hopeful. Warm. He wasn’t numb or in pain for the first time in forever. Yes, he still felt some sadness that wouldn’t go away maybe ever. But with the help of his brothers maybe he could bear it. With the help of his brothers, he could feel happy.

————————

That night, after Minho had showered they ordered his favourite take out and Minho fell asleep with Seungmin and Felix on either side of him.


End file.
